Sometimes, I Talk to Stangers

Today, I was supposed to do nothing. Life has been incredibly busy lately, and I needed a "me" day. I started feeling guilty though, because when our lives get busy, Ginger doesn't get a lot of outside run around time. So, at 1100, I loaded her up in the back of the Suburban, and headed to the puppy park. She ran, and sniffed, as the only dog there for half an hour. Then, an old guy and his old dog showed up, and Ginger was excited to have another pup to play with.
I'm not usually a huge fan of talking with people I don't know, but this guy reminded me a lot of my Dad. So, the man and I began a conversation while Ginger and his dog, Lucky, played together. We talked about where we each came from, where he and his wife are settled now, where Tom and I want to be when he retires, and about his Army career. We found commonality in hunting and fishing, and Northern Idaho. One of his buddies had been Cadre at U of I ROTC quite a while back, and he and his wife visited them while on leave, and spent a weekend in Couer d' Alene. We talked about his walks with his dog every day, and how much they need and use each other to get out of the house. An hour later, when his wife called to be picked up from the commissary with their groceries, we wished each other a good afternoon and parted ways.
It was nothing life-altering or crazy, it was just nice talking to him, like talking to my dad. I'm really glad I chose to take Ginger to the puppy park today. She got to run and have fun with another pup, and I got to talk with a nice, old guy and that makes me happy.

Sometimes Super Mom Isn't So Super

"You never know how strong you are, 

until being strong is the only choice you have."

I have a serious love/hate relationship with this saying. I get it, and I believe it. When there is no other choice than to buck up and face something head on, do it.

My problem lies with when you felt that you've been nothing but strong for as long as you can remember, sometimes you just need to totally lose your shit for a minute...or five. I do this, a lot more than people realize. I've been commended by many, saying how strong I am to do what I've done for Alex, or the fact that I live more than one thousand miles away from Sean nine months out of the year. Or, that I married a soldier, and moved away from everything that I have ever known. Most of the time, when I am given a complement about how I deal with these things, I just smile and say, "Thank you." Some days, though, aren't as easy. 

Sometimes, there are days on end when Alex doesn't have overnight care and I'm running on six hours of sleep for the last three days, or work is keeping Tom really long hours, or I haven't talked to Sean in a week, and sometimes it's just because the sun came up, that it's not easy. It's hard. Really hard. And, it sucks. A lot. I just want to scream, cry and throw myself on the floor in a tantrum that would impress a two year-old. These days usually come in clusters, I'll have three or four meltdowns and then be good again for a while. The last 72 hours has proven to be the toughest times I've had in a while, and I lost it. Right in the middle of everything.

Osteomyelitis of the thumb. OUCH!

A while back, Alex bit her thumb during a seizure. She clamped down on her right thumb for the duration of a three minute seizure, breaking the skin, and nearly fracturing the bone. That wasn't so great on it's own, but fast-forward to Wednesday evening, when Sean (here for his Spring Break,) Mom, Alex & I are headed home from horseback riding...Alex's thumb has begun to swell, a little bit at school that afternoon, but by the time we get back from the stables, it had doubled in size, and looks like it hurts quite a bit. We go to Evan's Army Hospital, where it is determined she probably has osteomyelitis. They want to transfer us to Memorial Hospital and have her admitted, and possibly do surgery. I said, "Fine, but we're going POV." I had to stop at the house to pick up meds, her bi-pap machine and get a few days worth of clothes for both of us. And, tell Sean. He was heart-broken, completely upset by the fact that I wasn't going to be home to tuck him in and his sister was going to have to have surgery. Seeing him so upset sent me over the edge.

Calvin is the best! This sums up how I feel when I lose it.

So, there, in Alex's room, at ten o'clock at night, while Tom was helping gather things up to go to the hospital, I lost it worse than I have in a long time. I wasn't even close to pretty, controlled or "in a pile." I did the ugly cry. The kind where tears and snot mix, while trying to say what's wrong, and all that comes out is this strange gasping noise because I'm crying so hard I'm damn near hyperventilating. I'm scared that Alex is going to have to go under anesthesia for the second time in two weeks, that she has to have surgery, and that I'm going to miss time with Sean. It wasn't fair, and I was done. In between sobs, gasps, grunts and tears, Tom took my hands, breathed with me and got me calmed down. He reassured me that he and Mom would be there to help and coordinate, and I wouldn't miss much, if any time with Sean, and that Alex was going to be alright. I was able to pull it back together, feeling a little better because I knew that I had the help and support that we would need, and because I was able to get all of that emotion out. I need to come uncorked every once in a while to stay normal. Sometimes it comes in the form of a snarky "Throat Punch Thursday" post on Facebook, where friends and I trade stories of idiotic encounters, and a good laugh. Sometimes it's me tackling the Incline all by myself, thinking about nothing, everything and letting everything out through the pain in my legs on the way up the 2,090 foot vertical increase in less than a mile, and the thoughts I have running down Barr Trail. At this particular moment, I needed to be a mess, and not strong. Most of all, I needed to be able to let it out and hand off all of everything that had been building up, and luckily, I can do that with Tom. He kicks ass, on a regular basis. I'm glad my mom was here to help, because, well, sometimes I need my mom, even at the age of 35.

So, since I know some of you will wonder...Alex had surgery on Saturday morning, and is on a course of IV and oral (aka g-tube) antibiotics, and will be rocking a sweet,semi-soft cast for the next little bit. Her new accessory will, for sure, be blinged out with purple Coban and pink & black zebra print tape. Sean and I didn't lose a minute together, and just when I thought that kid couldn't get anymore cooler/stronger/sweeter, he did, by telling me that he loves his sister and just wants her to feel good. I also did something today I have never, ever done before. I left the hospital before Alex was out of surgery. I wanted to drive my Most Awesome Mom and Super Sean to the airport, so Tom took the reigns and handled recovery, post-op, and getting Amazing Alex back up to her room on the floor.

Alex, not impressed with me taking photos, or her plain-jane soft cast.

This kid, right here, is the Bomb.Sean

I should be good for the next little bit. I can hold it together for quite a while and through an awful lot, but sometimes I'm not so strong. I lose it and cry, scream, and need to be by myself. Luckily, I have great kids and a wonderful family, and it's because of them that this mom can be a Super Mom. So, I encourage you to lose freak out every once in a while, too. It might not be pretty, and it's a little scary to lose (or give away) control, but in my opinion, everyone needs to just breakdown and lose it every so often.

Financial Fitness

Money, Money, Moneeeey!

     As much as many of us hate to admit it, money does make the world go 'round. It seems like no matter how much money one has, it's never enough or just a little more would make things better. Nearly everyone I know, myself included, has some sort of debt...Student loans, vehicle payments, and credit card debt are the most common types of debt among those I know. As of late, so many are taking a very active role in paying down their debt, becoming debt free and building savings, using one of Dave Ramsey's methods. While I have only begun looking into his methods, it seems like a good route to go.

     I don't do New Year's resolutions, because they, all too often, are forgotten by the first week of March and don't get accomplished. I do, however, make small goals for myself, with a larger goal to be reached near the end of the year. The smaller goals keep me accountable, keep me on track, and give me small successes to celebrate along the way. I am going to take this method, along with some of Dave Ramsey's advice, and some basic common sense to get our family on the track to becoming "Financially Fit."

     Usually, I really dislike goofy little sayings like "Financially Fit," but that one actually makes sense to me, plus a cartoon bill lifting weights is funny and cute. But, seriously, I want our money to be strong, and to work for us, so we can have the things we need, some of what we want, and be able to have a good amount of money set back for the future. We started off the year strong, by starting to pull a set amount from each of our paychecks for savings, using our tax refund to pay down our debts, and, as of March 2nd, our 4-wheeler will be paid off. I have also taken a look at some of our utilities, TV and Phone, and cut our bills by decreasing our number of channels and amount data. (This is actually two-fold, in that our bills go down a bit, and we have been spending less time watching mindless shows or checking Facebook 870 times a day, and actually conversing more, and therefore, strengthening our relationships, and our family.) I have also, recently, consolidated my credit card debt and reworked our budgets.

I am a huge list maker and I love charts, so the budget thing was super easy. I like having something that tells me where our money is supposed to go and once I pay bills, I love crossing them off the list for that month or week. I'm fairly certain Tom thinks I'm a little obsessive and slightly crazy because on the morning of each of our paydays, I am up early, with my budget sheets, paying bills on the laptop, and crossing things off the list. I also, have a checkbook register app on my phone, so  I can keep track, immediately of our individual and joint checking accounts. Now, if I can just keep up with all of this...

Like I said, it's been easy, so far. We have our "fun" money for going out with friends, or a coffee at Dutch Bros. now and again. But, we both have our weaknesses. Mine is the fabric store. I can easily walk out of JoAnn's, spending close to $100 and not think twice about it, and that's with using coupons and their military discount. That's the one I'm going to have to keep in check. For Tom, it will be Amazon.com. When he gets involved in a TV series, he is all in. He will buy a season or two, and then he'll pre-order the current season, and find a similar series and order that, too. And DVD's add up, sometimes even faster than fabric, so we're going to have to be more cognizant of our spending.

I'm really excited to have a savings plan, and be paying down our debts. If any of you have any tips, ideas, or something that has worked for you and an your family becoming more financially fit, please let me know by leaving a comment.

Snow Daze!

I love snow, like Lorelai Gilmore loves snow!

    

 I've always loved snow! When I was a kid, it was all about sledding, skiing, building snowmen, playing outside, and making forts. And, now, it's all about sledding, snowboarding, building snow monsters, and playing outside. There are a few added responsibilities when it comes to snow, and being an adult...Like, shoveling the sidewalks and driveway, figuring out how to not park like an asshole when all of the lines are snow-covered, and being a functional, safe driver, when the wind is blowing snow so hard it looks like your driving through space. 

    

     As an adult, I have realized there are those that don't share my love of snow. While I'm singing, "It's snowing, it's snowing, lalalalaaala!" there are others that would rather not leave the house. Fine, don't. One less person for me to give "the finger" to when you can't figure out that, somehow, you're driving in three lanes of travel, and because you can't see the lane markers, you believe this is perfectly acceptable. I also won't have to encounter you in a public place, bitching and moaning about the snow, and the cold. Hey! Guess what??? It is cold and snows in the winter! If you don't like it, move somewhere else or shut up. 

I love me some Dutch Bros. coffee!

   

  Snowy days are perfect for going to a pastry shop, getting a chocolate filled croissant, and then hitting up the local Dutch Bros. for a tasty mint mocha! I also love listening to 1940's/big band music on snowy days. There's just something nostalgic, and comforting about listening to that type of music, while sitting on the couch in my nice, warm house, and watching the snow fall and swirl around outside. As a girl, I also have a weakness for shoes and boots of any kind. So, now that they're making Sorel's and BOGS in all kinds of cute styles and colors, I can be kind of a girly-girl, with my super cute, comfy, warm boots that look fun and are functional at the same time!

My BOGS kick ass!

While wearing my kick-ass, warm, comfy, cute boots, I don't even mind doing snow "chores." Tom and I have been going out at night, like 10pm, and shoveling the driveway, and I don't even mind. I think I like clearing snow, because it provides instant gratification. You can see exactly how much you have done, and how much is still left. And, on nights when the wind isn't blowing and the snow isn't falling too heavily, the world is perfect and quiet. The sky takes on a pastel glow, and everything is still, and serene, and it's my favorite. 

This makes me happy.

My most favorite sledding buddy!

Rawr! My snow monster, with chem light eyes is spoooky!

Even though I do get a kick out of shoveling snow, being a big kid and going outside to play is still the best! I appreciate Sean's love of the snow, and the fact that when it's 20* outside, he is all about bundling up, and going out to make snow angels, play some snow soccer, or take the old runner sled down the driveway about a million times. Then, the best part is coming inside, snuggling and having hot cocoa with marshmallows.
I understand that Winter and snow aren't for everyone, and there are some days I like to give Ma Nature the middle finger, while wearing my mittens. For the most part, though, I look forward to the snow, the beauty it brings, the activities it provides and the memories it helps create.                                             

"Those" Girls

Sometimes, something happens during a normal day, and it can touch your heart and remind you who is important in your life. That happened to me today, and since life can be busy, messy, crazy and spread out over many miles, I took a moment to reflect and really be grateful for my sisters.

 

"Those" girls...You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that, with one side-ways glance, can make you shut up, or laugh uncontrollably, the ones that won't let you leave work, even if you've peed your pants. Those girls, that even if you haven't talked in years, because of something stupid, will show up in your daughters hospital room, and those other girls that made it happen. Those girls that you will fly half-way across the country to watch them say, "I do!" on their big day, those girls that helped your mother plan your surprise 16th birthday party. Those girls that you consider more like sisters, than friends. For every female out there reading this, I hope you have at lease one of "those" girls in your life. I consider myself incredibly lucky, because I have three. Three people that I know, no matter what happens or when, I can turn to and they will have my back.

Me, Megan and Jennifer a few days before I moved to Colorado.

Two of those girls, I have been friends with for nearly 25 years and we are still going strong. There is something about these girls that I can't explain...Our ability to pick up where we left off when we last saw one another, be it days or years in between, or the way that we have seen each other at our best, treated them the worst, but yet, would drop everything to be there with them to celebrate or cry. We knew one another when we each had our first kisses, during our awkward junior high phases, and in high school, when  we may have not made the best choices. And then, we got thrown in to the real world, and went our separate ways...some of us still talking, some of us not. Years would pass, and we got together, went to parties, tried to reach out with a phone call and we grew apart and back together again. We have each had our own tragedies that, in one way or another, that we have been there for one another; if not there in person, there with a phone call, and always in the heart. We have seen one another graduate from college, get married, have babies, struggle through sickness and relationship troubles, and have been there for welcome home parties and seen one another off to start new adventures in new parts of the world. We are the kind of friends that you hear people joke about and say, "We'll always be friends because you know too much," and,for that, I am incredibly grateful.

CodyAnn and me on her wedding day. So glad I could be there with her!

The third girl, is much like the first two, but I didn't get to meet her until later in my life. We may not have a 25 year history, yet, but when something really good, or really bad, happens, I want her to know. Immediately. And, even though there aren't twenty-something years of friendship we have spent some quality time together...late nights, early mornings, break-ups, make-ups, getting married, and some the most stressful and rewarding situations I have ever been through. This relationship is a little different than the other ones, though, neither one better or worse, just different. This is because I befriended the first two in grade school, when we were all innocent and didn't have a clue about life, and we grew up, experiencing life together. I met the third one, as a jaded, experienced adult, that was done taking bullshit and no longer had time for fair-weather friends. And, I met her at work...The kind of work that is 24/7/365 and could go from laughter to disaster with the ring of a phone. We worked well together, had similar interests, the same foul mouths, and our friendship has grown from there.
Sometimes I worry I don't reach out to these three girls enough, that I don't tell them how important they are to me as often as I should. I want each of them to know that they have shaped a little of who I am today, and that I hope they will always continue to be a part of my life, and me a part of theirs.
"Those" girls are my sisters, and I love them.

A New Hobby for a New Year

Me, with Pike's Peak in the background, testing out the self-timer feature on my camera.

 I have always been interested in photography, and at the end of last year, I decided to take the plunge and buy a Digital SLR. After doing some research, I settled on a Canon EOS Rebel T5. I got the camera, an 18-55mm lens, a telephoto lens, a macro lens, some filters, a tripod, and a boat-load of other accessories. When the box arrived, I was super excited, and then, quickly, became really overwhelmed. The lenses, the filters, not to mention all the different settings on the camera! And, the acronyms, ISO, DOF, HDR, OIS...WTF was I thinking?!? I just spent a decent amount of money and I honestly have no clue how any of this works. I opened everything, put the camera and lenses in the little bag, and there it sat for a few weeks. I read the manual, played with the camera a little, and put it back in the bag. The next day, I ordered Canon EOS T5/1200D for Dummies, and it arrived, I skimmed it, and decided it was finally time to take the camera out for a spin.

I bit off A LOT more than I could chew for my first outing. I want to photograph my family (of course) landscapes, wildlife, and the night sky. So, I chose the night sky to go with first. Greaaaaaaat idea. We live in a city of nearly 500,000 people, and multiple military installations. It's hard to find a place without a lot of light pollution so you can actually see the stars. I asked Tom if we could go out one night, and try to take a few shots of the stars. After, hours of driving around, we finally settled on a gravel road east of the Springs, and south of Schriever Air Force Base. We stopped and got out, and I started to unload all the equipment, while Tom took a smoke break. I also had to pee (after the hours of driving and a hot cocoa) so, I'm getting ready to go, and Tom jumps around the backside of the car and damn near scared the piss out of me, literally. I cussed. A lot. (Strange, right?!) We should have just packed it up after that. But, after nearly 45 minutes in the freezing cold, I decided I thought I had some 'ok' shots to work with. When we got home, I looked at the photos on the camera display. They were all dark. Really dark. Like totally, 100% pitch black. Well, fuck. I put everything away, and there it sat, underneath our bed while we went to Idaho for Christmas, and for a few weeks after we got home.

This guy let me take so many photos! What a good subject.

Finally, on Wednesday, when it was crazy snowy, I decided to go out to Garden of the Gods and get some good snowy landscape shots. I took a lot of photos. Then, while driving through the north side of the park, I spotted a buck with six does. I parked, got my camera around my neck, and started out into the snow. I took more pictures. I got some good shots of the deer, but there are snowflakes everywhere, in every shot. So, I started researching editing software. Again, I was overwhelmed, almost immediately. I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to this stuff! I am going to look for a class I can attend, so I can learn what is what, why certain settings are used in certain situations, and what programs are good for beginning editing.

After really looking at the photos I took on Wednesday, I decided that I would use the editing software that came with the camera, I would read my book, and just go out and take photos. I wasn't going to be afraid to take a bad photo anymore! I live in a really beautiful place, and there are tons of people out taking photos everyday. So, Thursday when I woke up, and saw it was going to be absolutely beautiful, I put Alex on the bus, showered, dressed and got my camera bag, and headed back to Garden of the Gods.

Balanced Rock

I took a ton of photos, I played with the settings, the lighting, tried to compose what I thought would be a good shot and had fun. Lots of fun! I didn't look at any of the pictures until I got home, and I like quite a few of the photos. After transferring everything from the my SD card to the laptop, I opened up the editing program and got to work. The stunning orange of the rocks in Garden of the Gods is sometimes lost in the photos, but it was super easy to bring back with the editing program, and once I did that, the blue of the sky just popped. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm excited to see what kind of shots I can get and capture lots of memories! You can bet that I will be loading up my camera, stopping off at Dutch Bros. for a yummy drink, and getting out to capture the beauty of Colorado.

I took this shot looking south through Garden of the Gods.

One of my attempts at being creative.

 If any of you have any photography tips, tricks, ideas, shooting suggestions,  or even constructive criticism, please let me know! I am super new at this and would love to learn from anyone that is willing to teach.

Photography is my new adventure! This was taken with the macro lens with the lid in focus and the Garden in the background.

Never A Dull Moment!

Alexandra has had a wild ride the last 24 hours! Last night, she had two seizures (not out of the ordinary for her.) During the the second one, her teeth clamped down on her thumb, which scared the hell out of me! I was sure she was going to need stitches, and an x-ray to determine if she had broken anything. Alex is an incredibly strong girl with a super human pain tolerance, and strength, so when I asked her if her thumb hurt, and she said, "yes," I knew something was up. We loaded up and headed to Memorial Hospital ER to see what the damage was. The doc's determined that the bite, although nasty, didn't warrant stitches. Next up was radiology, for x-ray's. For those that know her, know that Miss Alex doesn't stay still for long, so that's when Tom worked his magic. After some comic relief with the lead apron, he was able to hold her wrist and keep her calm and still for the three views that they needed. The films determined that Alex had fractured her thumb, near the base, and it would need to be splinted until she can get in to see a specialist. 

Alex's poor little thumb in a splint!

So, for her awards assembly today, she was sporting a splint when she received her Principal's Honor Roll award. She was so proud of herself for doing so well in school and earning an Honor Roll award for the second semester in a row! I love that she is recognized just like the other kids. Even though her work load is a little different than the average 8th grader, she works her little booty off to do her best. She is in Special Education classes 60% of the time, and participates in General Education 40%. During her IEP meeting last week, her art teacher, Mr. Worrell, expressed how cool it is to see Alex work, create and interact in his class, and I was so incredibly proud.

Carson Middle School's 8th grade Principal's Honor Roll award recipients.

She'll see an orthopaedic surgeon on Monday, so he can decide to keep the splint or cast her poor little thumb. Either way, Tom said we can bedazzle her new accessory and that made her really happy.

Now, we're hoping for an extremely low-key weekend.